brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
