I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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