she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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