I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
