whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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