I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
