Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
