turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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