There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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