He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
