when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
