her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
