ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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