Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
