I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
