When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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