Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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