i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
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I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
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Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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