In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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