hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
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