woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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