Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
