Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Boobs speak an international language.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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