You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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