Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
