Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
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You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
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Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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