we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
