While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
