Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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