I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
