Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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