Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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