I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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