Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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