I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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