you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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