I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
