Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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