can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
she told me i tasted like america
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
