i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
do herpes really smell.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
