That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
