bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
