Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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