Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
sex in a hospital.. check
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
