You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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