Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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