We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
