Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
