Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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