And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
