The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
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you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
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I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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