if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
How naked do you want me to be?
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