I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
