apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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