In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
