They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
