i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
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I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
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fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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