just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I am one with the molecules
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
