So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
