I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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