If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
