I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
